A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS AGO FAR IN THE DEPTHS OF PARADOX SPACE A NEW LIFE FORM IS ABOUT TO BE CREATED ONE WHOSE ORIGIN IS AS ENIGMATIC AS THE GLIMMER OF A MUSCLEBEAST'S TIT SOME ARE CARRIED IN BY STORKS SOME ARE RECREATED FROM PARADOX SLIME OTHERS PIROUETTE OUT OF THEIR BEST FRIEND'S MAGICAL NONEXISTENT VAGINA BUT REGARDLESS OF HOW THESE BABIES MAY BE BORN THEY ALL COME INTO THE WORLD WITH A SPECIAL FORCE ONE CALLED LOVE THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE MAN'S SEARCH FOR LOVE AND TRUTH IN AN UNIVERSE FORGOTTEN BY TIME THE STORY OF THOSE FEARFUL CREATURES THOSE WE CALL BABIES *radiation solo* Jane: Hello everyone, my name is Jane Crocker and John just showed me this rock opera that he said was “totally like” - Jane: OH MY GOD DIRK WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE FLOOR WRITHING IN PAIN!? Dirk: I’m pregnant. Jane: W-what!? How is that possible- who’s the father? Dirk: Jane, shouldn’t that be pretty fucking obvious- Jane: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE FOR JUST A DIDDLY TOOTIN' SECOND! This is exactly like what John showed me! Jane: Let me guess - there’s a tiny baby version of me swirling around inside of you as we speak. Dirk: No, Jane. Dirk: The baby... is me. ... Jane: I’m disappointed. Dirk: I know. Jake: Oh my god dirk you’re pregnant!? How did this happen? *jake background noises continue on for eons fuck transcribing this* Jane: (in the background interrupting Jake) WOAH JEEZ WHEN DID YOU GET HERE Dirk: Yes, Jake. I don’t know how you did it, but apparently the babymaking skills of an English aren’t hindered by the laws of human biology. Roxy: aw yeah dirk we gotta celebrate this with a fuckin SONG! Dirk: Roxy, no, come on, don’t start this singing stuff while I’m literally kicking my own insides. Roxy: okay fiiiiiiine i wont start this singin shit Dirk: Thank you, Roxy. Roxy: (pause) janey will start us off then Dirk: Wait, god damn it, no- *i was sittin around in the middle of ni---* Dirk: No, seriously don't Roxy: okay fine Dirk: Good, because my water just broke a few minutes ago and it’s EXTREMELY painful, fuck, fuck, shit. Roxy: wait what!? Jane: DIRK! Jake: DIRK WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US EARLIER WHILE WE WERE CONGRATULATING YOU WITH A SONG AND DANCE NUMBER!? (this didn't actually happen because we cut the first song so jake is clearly talking about another timeline which we'll see in the baby is 3, coming holiday 2026) Dirk: You guys looked like you were having so much fun. Jane: Jesus christ...unbelievable, just unbelievable. Roxy: well fuck we gotta get you over to a hospital fuckin pronto Dirk: No. Dirk: I’m going to deliver in a horse stable, and that is non-negotiable. Dirk: And we need to get there RIGHT NOW because holy shit I swear baby me is trying to torture me right now with this unholy childbirth pain. Roxy: dirk u realize how stupid you sound right now dont you Roxy: i mean come on do you think youre HORSE JESUS or somethin!? Calliope: hold on roxy, dirk……………………………………………………………………………….is right! Jake: Calliope! Jane: Calliope! Roxy: omg callie! wtf are you doing here ive missed you! Calliope: i coUldn’t possibly miss sUch a momentoUs occasion! Calliope: and i’ve been sitting here far too long to not take an active role in the birth of yoUr child dirk! Dirk: Uh. Dirk: That’s awesome, I guess- Calliope: that’s why i mUst become what i was always going to become...the midwife- Dirk: AUGH FUCK! Callie: what’s wrong!? Dirk: Callie, I’m trying to kill myself from the inside right now! You gotta help me! Calliope: dont worry dirk i have the perfect solUtion! Dirk: Are you going to teleport me to the nearest horse stable so I can unload myself, surrounded by glorious, musclebound hoofed animals? Calliope: ...no. Calliope: i’m going to give yoU drUgs. Dirk: ...Fuck it. I don’t even care anymore, I just need something to stop this horrible pain. Dirk: Anything you can give me, Callie. ===DRUGS SONG=== Barbituates would go down great And Oxycotin by the crate a Vicodin, an aspirin some Vioxx and psilocybin methadone or opium Surprise me doc with something fun some Angel dust, some LSD, A dozen tabs of ecstacy Crystal meth or krokodil Some bathsalts and some fentanyl Amphethetamines and ketamine And khat, kola and nicotine Some nutmeg for that nutty thrill With cough syrup and benedryl Peyote and amanita Followed by a pint of ether A pot of glue, a can of paint, Experimental opiates I’d chew some betel, lick a toad Eat sarpa salpa by the load Oh callie, please, I’m in a jam, I’d even take phenazepam I’m begging, pleading, fill my veins Just something, please, to end the pain. (I’m sorry parents, don’t be mad Remember kids that drugs are bad.) Callie: honestly i’m starting to think it may be a bad idea to give you any- Dirk: JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING DRUGS, CALLIE- Dirk: [screams of anguish and pain] Jane: There’s no time, Dirk! Jane: Look, we’re already at the stables! Dirk: Oh thank god. Dirk: Now the horses can comfort me with their whispered neighs and muscular stature and AUGHHHHHH Jane: Oh god, is it over? Dirk: Yeah. Dirk: It’s a...it’s a...baby. Dirk2: (monotone baby cries) Wah. Wah. Wah. (Quick little piano jingle starts to give it that Evangelion ending feel.) Jake: Oh wow, congratulations Dirk! Jane: Congratulations! Roxy: Congratulations! Calliope: Congratulations! Horses: NEIGH. (Jingle starts to fade out.) Dirk: Thanks, everyone. Dirk: You know, looking into my little baby eyes just after having given birth to myself has really opened my own eyes. Dirk: I feel like I know so much more about myself now. Jane: Dirk, what the hell are you talking about? Dirk: It’s just… Dirk: I’ve always had a problem with splinters of myself. Jake: (quickly, in the background, while dirk continues) Oh boy this story again. *more shit I'm not going to transcribe* Dirk: Splinters. Alternate versions of myself always popping up, showcasing my deepest, darkest flaws and causing trouble for everyone I love. Dirk: I used to think that it was some sort of...bizarre manifestation of my own self hatred. Dirk: And it still is - it’s no secret that there’s a lot about myself that I can’t stand. Dirk: I can’t stand how I have so much trouble being upfront with any of you guys, always hiding myself behind splinters or unfathomable layers of irony. Dirk: I can’t stand how I’ve completely fucked up my relationships with just about everyone here at least once because of my pure, boneheaded stubbornness and my complete inability to handle what should be a normal social dynamic. Dirk: Hell, I can’t even really stand the color of my eyes. Dirk: Have any of you seen them? Look - look at baby me real quick. They’re stupid looking and slanted and orange for god’s sakes. Dirk: I don’t know about you, but I’m about 99% certain orange is just about the least cool color an eye could be. Jane: Dirk, we’ve been over this. Jane: Your eyes look fine, and self-loathing night is Saturday, and we can all air our grievances about ourselves then. Dirk: Right, sorry. Dirk: The point is, I look into baby me’s eyes and I don’t hate them. They’re innocent eyes - eyes that haven’t been hidden by callous dark triangles, eyes that haven’t searched one’s soul and found a rotting core a million times over. Dirk: Eyes that haven’t looked straight into the eyes of a friend and asked for thirty different drugs. Dirk: And I realized. Dirk: I have to stop hating myself. Dirk: I have to accept myself. Dirk: And what better way is there to accept myself than physical integration, augmented by my abilities as a Prince of Heart? Jane: Hold on, you lost me with that physical integration thing. Jane: What in the actual fuck are you talking about? Dirk: Jane… Dirk: I’m going to eat my baby. Jane: ...Wait...wha- Dirk: *crunch* Jane: OH GOD DIRK WHAT THE HELL!? Jake: Dirk, why in the blazers are you eating your baby?! Dirk: Jake, I know this seems a little bizarre. Dirk: In fact, it probably is downright esoteric. Dirk: But I think I can explain. Jake: Dirk- Dirk: Through an ancient artform almost as old as time itself. Jake: Dirk- Dirk: Rap. ===THE DIRK RAP=== Dirk: Jake, I'll admit, this is kinda bizarre, But I need you to understand the way things are. This baby is me and I'm the baby, And that's why it is currently on the taby. Eating it is a vital process for me, It's time-line doomed, or at least probably will be, When I eat it, I'll end this circle of madness, And in no way will this diminish my radness. Jake: Dirk, this entire motion is insane! The poppycock you spew is not coming from your brain! We should at least, you know, talk this through, After all, the baby isn't just for you! As the parent here, I claim co-custody rights. We shouldn't have to divorce Dirk, our shit is so tight. Neither do we split the baby in half, Dirk, let's just cool down and listen to some phonograph. Dirk: Jake, I just don't think you understand, Paradox space has always been forcing my hand, I need to do this to regain control, I won't let it make me have a minor role. Jake (spoken): So... what does any of this have to do with eating your baby? Dirk: (with heavy echo) Heart powers. Jake: Yeah, but how does that even work? Dirk: Such is the magic of skaia? Jake: Dirk, cmon! There has to be a better way! Can't you see that? Dirk: This is the only way, Jake. Jake: *sigh* Look, how about we talk about good parenting practices instead? I've got a book here about them. That shouldn't be to hard to do. Dirk: When the baby's in the crib, (yes?) Drop it like it's hot, (what?!) Drop it like it's hot, (no!) Drop it like it's hot, (dirk no that's bad parenting practices!) And when the baby's out of the crib, (no!) Eat it like it's hot, (dirk!) Eat it like it's hot, (stop it!) Eat it like it's hot, *crunch* Jake: Dirk, stop eating the baby! Dirk: Look, all I'm saying *crunch* is that babys probably taste better fresh. Jake: Just stop it! Dirk: Look, it's just a toe. Little shit probably won't miss it. *crunch* Jake: You just ate another one! Dirk: It has, like, another 7! *crunch* Jake: Now it only has 6! Dirk: Look, Jake, I respect you as a partner, but this is literally me. I need to finally accept my destiny, and eat all the babys. (heavy echo) All of them. Jake: Dirk, you are complete and batshit poppycock insane. But I love you. *makeout noises* Jane: What are you doing Jake don't let Dirk eat the baby! Jake: I have to let Dirk do this. This is the only way to let him regain control of his life Jane, you have to understand! Jane: Ugg, he's using his bullshit heart magic on you again isn't he. Dirk: No I'm not. Jane: Yes you are! Dirk: No I'm not *crunch* Jane: Dirk! Stop trying to distract me by eating the baby! Dirk: So it's decided. The baby is to be eaten. ... Dirk: So… Dirk: Yeah. Dirk: I’m just going to eat my baby then. Roxy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jane: DIRK STOP EATING YOUR LEG RIGHT THIS INSTANT. Callie: i don’t really see anything oUt of the ordinary with that, actUally… Jake: Dirk, as your husband and co-parent of this baby, I support your decision, but I am still disappointed in you. Dirk: Mmm. Dirk: Of all the things I hate *chew* about myself, taste is not one of them. Dirk: I taste damn good. Callie: dirk this is a little lewd if i’m being quite honest! Roxy: that’s it i’m gonna have to start fucking drinking again just to get that image out of my mind Dirk: God, do all babies *chew* taste this good? Dirk: Because I’ll be honest - this makes me want to eat every single baby in the human race. Dirk: ...Mmm. Dirk: That was delicious. ===THE END=== John: hey guys, what the hell just happened? Jane: John? What are you doing here? John: when i heard that some crazy baby stuff was going down i came as fast as i could! John: where’s dirk and his baby? Jane: Dirk ate the baby and the baby was him and now we’re all a little dead inside. John: ………. John: you guys are kinda depressing, aren’t you?